King Haru
by Flying Sideways
Summary: Haru hits his head in a bicycle crash, knocking himself out. When he wakes up again, he is under the impression that he is a king. And the rest of the Sohma family? Why his royal subjects, of course...


Hatsuhara Sohma was very bored. He couldn't find anyone to hang out with at the Sohma House, and he wasn't in the mood to listen to Shigure.

He decided to go to a nearby convenience store and buy a candy bar. He hopped on his really cool bicycle and peddled off.

But on the way to the convenience store, Haru noticed that the really cool basket on his really cool bicycle was askew. Because Haru was so cool, he was able to ride his really cool bicycle one-handed while he fixed the really cool basket with his other hand.

Sadly, because of his poor sense of direction, Haru did not notice that he was already very close to the convenience store, and he crashed his really cool bicycle into the wall. In the collision, he went over the really cool handlebars and hit his head on the not-so-cool bricks, effectively knocking himself out.

"Uhh… what happened?" Haru groaned, blinking back into consciousness.

"Oh, you're finally up," Shigure commented happily. "You had us quite worried. Luckily, I happened to be in that particular convenience store buying more ointment."

Haru leaped up. "Peasant! What do you speak of when you say these things such as `convenience store` and `ointment`? These are terms that I have not come across in my royal education. Is it perhaps a code? Are ye perhaps planning some great Revolution against I, your king?"

Most people, at this point, would have taken Haru to a doctor, or at least explained that it was all in his head. But Shigure, being his usual childish self, played along.

"Of course not, your majesty!" he cried, falling to his knees in fake respect. "I live only to serve you!"

"Good," said Haru firmly. "Now take me back to the castle!"

Since there were no castles in the immediate area, Shigure took Hatsuharu back to the Sohma House.

"Your castle, sir," he said, bowing dramatically.

Haru walked in, looking around.

"Hey," a familiar voice scowled. "Are you just gonna stand there all day?"

Haru turned to smile at the boy. "Ah, Prince Hiro!" he exclaimed. "How are you on this fine day?"

Hiro blinked. Had Haru-nii just called him "Prince"? No, he must have just misheard that part. "I'm fine," he said cautiously.

"And I take it you are still courting the hand of Princess Kisa? Or is she with her lady-in-waiting, Tohru, today?"

Hiro stood in shock for a moment before narrowing his eyes at the crazy one's escort. "SHIGURE!!!!!" he roared. In one swift motion, the young boy pinned the man threateningly against a wall. "What did you do to him?!" he demanded.

"I didn't do anything!" cried Shigure. "He crashed his bike and hit his head!"

"You idiot! Why didn't you have Hatori look at him?"

"That's what I brought him here for," Shigure whined untruthfully.

Hiro finally released him. "Fine. But we better get him to Hatori fast, or he could do some major damage," he said. He turned. "Haru-nii…" he froze. Haru was gone.

"That figures!" stormed Hiro, running off in search of the lost mental case.

"…so call me back! Bye!" Kagura said happily, leaving Kyo a 53rd message. She rounded a corner, only to see Haru strutting around regally.

"Hatsuharu!" she squealed, glad for the opportunity to talk to someone other than an automated voice. She ran over to him and punched him on the arm.

"Captain Kagura! Have you spoken with Prince Yuki of the North yet about our attack on King Ayame of the South?"

"Huh? N-no, I haven't spoken with Yuki today… but I called Kyo 53 times! He didn't answer…"

"Well," said Haru calmly, "he lives quite far away. Perhaps he didn't hear you."

Kagura stared at him blankly. "Are you feeling al-"

Just then, Hiro and Shigure skidded around the corner, out of breath.

"Thank goodness- we found you," Shigure panted. "We were- starting- to get worried."

Kagura was now completely confused. "What's going on? HEY! Where are you going?!" she called as Haru suddenly took off running.

Hiro and Shigure groaned and collapsed. "Haru-nii- hit his head… Now he- thinks he's- a king," Hiro explained to her, still breathing heavily.

"Oh gosh!" she cried. "We'd better find him!"

The other two nodded as they staggered to their feet. The three of them were just about to go after Haru when Kagura yelled "Wait! What if he goes Black before we can get him to Hatori?" They stared at one another for a minute, contemplating this horrifying possibility. Then they started to run.

The next person Hatsuharu came across was Momiji. He smiled. "Wonderful. The court jester."

Momiji grinned, thinking he was speaking figuratively. "Are you saying you think I'm funny?"

"Well, that is your _job_, isn't it?"

"Umm… no… I don't have a job."

"Are you resigning?!"

"Resigning from WHAT?!" Momiji yelled, slightly aggravated. "I never worked for you!"

At that moment, Hiro, Shigure, and Kagura ran in, but it was too late. Haru had just gone Black.

"My entire kingdom is against me," he roared. "Drastic measures must be taken! Captain Kagura! Seal the city gates! No one gets in, no one gets out!"

"Your highness," Kagura said, trying to reason with him. "With all due respect, I'm sure there's a simpler way to solve this!"

"NO!" cried Haru. "I am the king! I rule you all! You must all bow down to me! And if you think that-"

BAM! Out of nowhere, Hatsuharu was hit over the head with a metal frying pan. Clutching the frying pan was Hatori.

"Hatori!" Shigure cried. "Our savior! But how did you know?"

"Hiro came and found me when Hatsuharu went Black. Luckily I wasn't far."

"Yeah! Hiro's a hero!" cheered Momiji.

"Shut up! I just didn't want to spend the rest of my life bowing down to that nut job! The only nut job I bow down to is Akito!"

"Hatori, are you sure you didn't hurt him with that frying pan?" Kagura asked nervously, looking at Haru's motionless body.

"It might sting a little," Hatori admitted. "But when he wakes up he should be back to normal."

"You mean all we had to do was whack him in the head again?!" Hiro demanded.

"Of course. Don't you watch the movies?"

"Well, all's well that ends well, I suppose," Shigure sighed. "I'd better be going. God only knows what terrible forms of destruction have come upon my poor house."

"Tell Kyo that I love him!" called Kagura.

"Will do," he yelled back, grateful for the chance to embarrass him.

"I'm going to go call him again, just in case he forgets," she chirped. "Bye!"

"And I have better things to do than hang around here all day," Hiro said as he walked off.

"I'm afraid I must leave as well. I have other patients to attend to."

"You know," Momiji said aloud, though he was now alone except for Haru's limp form. "It might be fun to be a court jester."

**Moral of the Story: ALWAYS wear a helmet while riding a really cool bicycle. Or any bicycle, for that matter…**


End file.
